Story time with Funk

My friend Rich was on occasion mistaken for actor John Cusack.  Rich does look a little bit like him and some of his mannerisms are similar, although I often thought Rich did that on purpose in order to freak people out.

One particular time we were in San Angelo.  We were both stationed at Ft. Hood, TX but for some reason or another decided to spend the weekend in San Angelo.  The night in question we had gotten a ground level hotel room at some nondescript chain type hotel and were sitting in the room when there was a knock on the door.  I opened it.  Or maybe Rich did, I don’t really recall, but I do recall the drunk guy starting at us.  I don’t remember the exact wording of the converstation but it went something like this.

Drunk guy: (Slurred speech) “Hey”

Me: “Hey”

Drunk Guy: (Pointing in Rich’s direction) “Your that guy aren’t you”

Me: “Um, he’s a guy, but probably not the one your thinking of.”

Drunk Guy: “Yeah, froom tha one mobie” (yes I’m trying to type like the drunk guy might have sounded…its all speculation though)

He hold’s his imaginary radio up in the air and starts belting out “In Your Eyes”.  Rich and I decide to go with it and mess with this drunk dude.  Again, I have to point out that what transpires next isn’t anything like the actual events that took place, but rather a tribute from my heart as to the spirit of the moment in question.

Me (grabbing for the guys arms): “Dude…don’t do that.  We don’t want anyone to know we are here.”

Drunk guy: “Oh…I won’t say anything…get it.” (drunken guy laughs)

Me:  “Yeah funny…if he gives you an autograph will you leave?”

Drunk guy: “sure…sweet.” (takes a pull from his Pabst Blue Ribbon.)

Rich:  (Signing his real name to a napkin) “Here you go, man.  Nice to meet you.”

Drunk guy: (Salutes, shakes Rich’s hand) “Your secret is save with me.”

He turns to walk away and yells to his friend.

Drunk guy: “Lloyd Dobler just signed my mapkin…yohoo!!!”

We closed the door and laughed about it.  I do remember telling Rich that he did sometime resemble John Cusack and we should try to get free drinks by him pretending to be Mr. Cusack.  Of course Rich would never have been truly comfortable lying to get free stuff, although secretly I think he would have gotten a kick out of trying.

Note: If you have a friend who resembles a famous person, never miss an opportunity to mess with drunk guys.  It is super fun even if 15 years later you can’t remember much of what happened.

Ok, so there is something really pathetic about a grown man trying to relive his youth by trying to impress a bunch of high school kids he doesn’t even know.  So yeah…I’m pathetic.
We were spending a day at Shaver Lake in the Sierra Nevada Mountains a few year’s back.  We used to get together with my wife’s sisters and their families a couple times a month and go up there to picnic, swim in the lake, jet ski, fish.  We loved spending time up there.  Shaver Lake is an absolute beautiful place.
One particular day we were having a birthday party for my son.  It was early Aug and hot.  My brother-in-law Dustin and I were laughing about these high school boys who were jumping off a rock outcropping into the lake.  They were obviously trying to impress the high school girls they were with.  As Dustin and I were laughing, my wife and her sister started to tease us.  They were saying things like “you two are too chicken to do it”, “You’d never in a million year’s jump off” and then the nail in the coffin, “I dare you.”  If you know me, well I’m not one to back down from a dare…ever.  Before I knew what was happening Dustin and I were riding the jet ski across the small cove to the rock outcropping.  We felt a need to defend our manhood after our wife’s claimed we were just making fun of the boys out of fear.
As we cross the cove, my adrenaline is starting to flow.  I’m getting pumped up.  We get to the other side and the high school kids realize we are coming up to jump and they start cheering us on and are generally glad to see us come up.  At first I thought they were making fun of us, but they actually were just having a good time and the idea of a couple of “old” guys coming to hang out and experience the 30 foot or so jump was “sick”.
I felt great when I got to the top of the rock outcropping.  A couple of the teenage guys were talking about how much of a blast it was.  We chatted with them about how their summer was, what kind of music they liked.  They were a cool bunch of kids.  We stood around for a bit just chatting.  Some of the high school girls were flirting with us.  Nothing serious, just being nicer to a couple of 24 and 30 year old men than they should have been.
After about 5 minutes or so, our family was screaming for us to jump.  The high school kids were hinting at us to take the plunge.  By this time, I felt like superman.  I was hanging out with a bunch of much younger people who actually thought I was cool!  I was a married father of two who was getting a bit “soft” around the edges and yet teenage girls were flirting with me and their teenage boyfriends were treating me like some long lost older, wiser and cooler brother.  Then I stepped to the edge of the rock outcropping.  In that moment everything in my life changed.  I came crashing down to earth with the stunning reality that I wasn’t a teenage boy.  I could die if I jumped off this rock!  Shit, 30 feet down to the water is a long freaking way!  I shouldn’t be up here, I needed to be drinking my beer and eating a hot dog down with the rest of the family.
I exchanged glances with my brother-in-law who was closer in age to the teens and he didn’t seem to be nervous at all, so I screwed up my courage.  I took a few steps back, ran to the edge and jumped.  I was surprised that I did it.  After looking over the edge all I wanted to do was climb back down the rock and jet ski across the cove back to the safety of my family and a cold beer.  I know that that if I didn’t jump I would be ridiculed and teased about it for a long time, but I would be alive.  I wouldn’t have to worry about drowning or breaking something in the span between the top of the outcropping and the surface of the water.  I wouldn’t have to experience the humiliating laughter of the high school kids who previously thought I was cool (even if they only thought I was cool for a “old man”.)  Nope, I had no choice but to jump.  I had a reputation to uphold and I wasn’t going to let anyone think I was chicken.
As I jumped, I figured since I was committing to the death of my reputation, my pride and my body I might as well go with style.  I decided to summersault in mid air.  Not something I typically would do, then again neither is cliff diving.  I’m not exactly graceful and I have never been a diver.  I don’t know how to do summersaults in the air and enter the water gracefully.  I couldn’t pull this off, not in a million years.  I’m an idiot for doing this.
My feet hit the water.  I was amazed at how hard I hit and when water went up my nose I wasn’t real happy with my decision.  I opened my eyes and looked up to the surface of the water.  It seemed a mile away and I started to panic a bit.  I began swimming for the surface like I was being chased by an underwater demon.  When I broke through I raised my hands toward the heavens to hug God for not letting me die in my foolish moment of pride and arrogance.  I decided to play it cool and I swam to the shore.  I looked up just in time to see him jump out over the edge.  He had a lot more distance from the rock than I did and he was spinning like a top as he jumped.  He looked like Mikhail Baryshnikov spinning with his arms spread out above his body and his legs spread beneath him.  He looked like a giant “X” flying through the air.  When he splashed down, cheer erupted from the teens on the rock.  The kids up there were high fiving each other and pointing at us.  They were mock spinning like my brother-in-law had done.  They looked impressed, fascinated and almost in awe.
My brother-in-law swam up to me with a look of mixed excitement, horror and anger.
“You’re a dick.” Was all he said as we got on the jet ski and went back to our side of the cove.
As we made our way across the cove my brother-in-law said, “You know I wasn’t going to jump.  I was scared shitless when we looked down, but you just had to jump and try and make me look bad.  On top of that you do some crazy forward summersault with a twist thing landing feet first looking like Greg Louganis.  If I didn’t jump then I would have looked like a pussy.  Man, sometimes I hate you.”
I was surprised to learn later that my forward summersault had a half twist in it, and my arms were out in 90 degree angles from my body until right before I entered the water when I surprisingly tucked them by my sides and entered the water like I was standing at Attention.  For some reason this looked cool.  The words “graceful” and “awesome” were used by various members of my family (the awesome coming from my pre-teen niece).  I’m not used to being called awesome, although it has happened on a few occasions, but I most certainly not thought of as graceful by any stretch of the word.  I can only imagine what those teenagers thought of the “old dude” who managed not to look like an utter tool when he dove off the rock.
I guess every dog has his day at the beach and that day was mine.

Edit: Feb 10th 2009…Upon talking to my brother-in-law via cellphone today he informed me that he doesn’t remember saying exactly what I wrote here. I’ll admit that I did take some creative liberty with the dialog in the story. I don’t remember what he said but I got the general feeling across. The moral center of the story is that neither of us really wanted to jump off, but neither of us wanted to look like a chicken either.

No you sick puppy not that lizard.  I mean an actual lizard, I think it was actually a salamandar.  So we are at my in-laws house up in Auberry California.  They had a great place on about 5 acres or so.  We have horses, tractors, barns…it was a mini ranch.  My father-in-law used to drive a logging truck and at one point he got some scrap logs that he and I were doing various things with (making furnature, cutting up for firewood, etc.).  One hot Sunday afternoon we were all at hanging out.  And when I say all of us, I mean my wife, my kids, two of my wife’s sisters and their families, a couple cousins and my wifes Aunt and Uncle.  That was a pretty typcial weekend at the Hankey house.  There were always people there just doing whatever.

Anyway, my brother-in-law and I were out by the log pile.  I think we were splitting wood for a camping trip or something.  I was stupid enough to be wearing shorts that day (hey it was summer time in Fresno, it gets hot there) and we found a salamandar.  My oldest son and my nephew were with us and we tried to catch it.  We spooked it and it ended up running up my leg and into my shorts.  I’m not kidding!  The damn thing ran up into my shorts.  Now I’m spooked because I have a lizard in my pants so I’m dancing around freaking out.  I don’t know if the thing is going to crawl up my ass, bite my “lizard” (probably out of jealousy), or what ever lizards do when they run up people’s shorts.

I’m dancing around like a crazy person spinning in circles, batting at my shorts trying to dislodge the thing.  My brother-in-law is laughing, my nephew and son are laughing.  They all think I am making it up that the lizard went into my shorts.  They think I’m just being silly and putting on a show.  After a few moments my brother-in-law is laughing so hard he can’t talk.  I finally come to the realization that I must have shaken the lizard out of my shorts because I don’t feel him moving around so I calm down.

“What the hell are you doing?” asks my brother-in-law.

“That lizard went up my shorts!”  I tell him. 

Of course he doesn’t believe me.  “No it didn’t.”  He’s laughing now. “You just think it did.  Man, your freaking out because it ran across your foot or something. Your acting like a baby.”  He’s really laughing now.  “you know your one of the goofiest people I’ve ever met.”  He turns to his son, my nephew, “isn’t Uncle Dude silly crazy?”  (Yes, my nephew calls me Uncle Dude.  Yes it is because I say ‘dude’ a lot.)

Now he’s got me thinking that I imagined the whole thing, so I drop my shorts and look for the lizard.  He starts laughing again because I’m standing in the middle of the field with my pants around my ankles looking for a lizard that crawled up my leg and into my shorts.  Of course I don’t find the lizard.  Now I feel like a fool.  I was dancing around carrying on about a lizard in my pants and it turns out he didn’t even go up there.

We decided to walk back to the house.  We join up with everyone on the pool deck and my brother-in-law starts telling everyone about me freaking out over an imaginary lizard that crawled up my shorts.  He’s imitating my dance moves, everyone is laughing about me freaking out.  It is basically pick on Funk for being a big baby.

So while everyone is making fun of me, I’m still feeling creeped out.  In my mind that lizard did go up my shorts.  I’m standing there getting laughed at wondering if he crapped on me, or laid eggs in my butt crack or something.  So I start adjusting my shorts and getting all wriggly.  What do you know, out falls a deal lizard.  He falls right next to my foot.  My sister-in-law sees it, screams and points.  Now everyone is laughing again because the realize that the lizard did crawl up my shorts and that while I was dancing around I must have crushed him.  He must have gotten stuck in my waistband or something and gotten smoothered.

Now I feel vindicated.  All the jokes and teasing didn’t seem so bad after all a lizard did actually crawl up my shorts.  At the same time I felt sad and creeped out.  After all a lizard crawled up my shorts and died.  Was I responsible for his death?  Maybe if I hadn’t freaked out he wouldn’t have been crushed or smothered.  Of course my freaking out may have saved me from having a lizard crawl up my ass or bite my “Johnson”.  I guess we’ll never really know, huh?

Note: don’t wear shorts in salamandar country.  If you do and one happens to crawl up your leg, I suggest you dance and flail about.  Its better than having a lizard bite your penis.